Saturday, December 17, 2011

Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner!

Oh boy, am I a lucky guy! Apparently, I've won $68,000 dollars! Let the singing and dancing in the streets commence!

Pictured is the letter I received from World Link Finance Inc. informing me that was one of the "lucky winners" in a "Publisher's Clearing house [sic]" Compensation Draw Sweepstakes, and I've won a lump sum of $68K which will be delivered to me by special courier.  Can you imagine the joy?  I'm already spending the money in my head!

"Lucky" is absolutely the right word, too!  You wanna know just how lucky I am? I won a sweepstakes that I never even entered! That's right, read 'em and weep: all you chumps out there who think you have to play to win - I just proved you wrong!

I'll be contacting my File Agent on Monday to start the claiming process.  These folks thought of everything! They even sent me an advance check of $3866 to cover the Government Service Tax and Insurance! All I have to do is cash that check and wire them back $2976.55 of it, and I'm on my way to riches, baby!

Sure, I find it a little strange that the good folks at World Link Finance Inc. sent the letter to me in an envelope bearing the logo and name of Hudson's Bay Co., and that the check bears the logo and name of a company called Tahitian Noni.  I figure that must be some sort of security measure. A simple Google search tells me that  Hudson's Bay Co. happens to be the oldest commercial corporation in North America and today is a retail clothier throughout Canada, and that Tahitian Noni is a multi-level marketing company promoting a health drink.  My guess is that World Link Finance uses their names and logos to throw others off the track: greedy relatives and friends will just think I'm shopping for clothes or getting paid for marketing a beverage rather than winning a sweepstakes, and won't come begging for money.  Pretty smart, World Link Finance!

You see, I did my homework!  I know World Link Finance Inc. uses top-level security, because they can't even be found in a Google search! I looked up their address on Google Street View, and as you can see, they take security so seriously that they even camouflage their offices.  You wouldn't even know they were there! So, before you ask, that's also probably why a finance company in New York City has a phone number with a Toronto area code.  It all makes perfect sense!

And how considerate of them to rely on me to handle the Government Service Tax and Insurance, rather than simply taking the funds they sent to me and just delivering them to the proper authorities!  They were nice enough to send more funds than needed, so I get to have a little extra spending cash for Christmas. Happy Holidays, World Link Finance!  Now, I had never heard of "Government Service Tax and Insurance," so I turned to Google once again.  Google couldn't point me to any place that told me exactly what it was, but it did show me that lots of other winners were supposed to pay the same thing, so it must be legit, right?

The check itself is a thing of genius, sheer genius! My scanner kind of picked up the watermark, which clearly says "void" on it - obviously a way to test bank employees to make sure they're validating these checks!  Why, with security measures that advanced, how could this be anything but the real deal?

Those clever bastards even managed to keep my name entirely off the actual letter, and rather than have it signed by anyone, they had it "approved" by Mark Stines. He's a Vice President of Global Operations, so he  must be very important.  Just look at his smiling, trustworthy face right there at the bottom of my letter.  You know he's got to be a big muckety-muck, because he looks an awful lot like another Vice President of Global Operations, Vernon Kimberly, of C&C Services Inc.  I found a picture of one their letters to another winner online.
Almost an eerie resemblance, isn't it? But you know, put those bigwigs in their monkey suits and you can't tell 'em apart, right?

What? Scam? Whaddaya mean scam?  Naw, you're just saying that because you're envious of my good fortune!  Why, I bet next you'll be telling me that there really is no Nigerian Prince who needs my help in secretly moving millions of dollars out of his country, and is willing to split the funds with me 50/50!

I'm rich, rich I tell ya!

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