Thursday, April 21, 2011

My New Favorite Chair

The comedienne Rita Rudner has a funny bit about what she refers to as one of God's great practical jokes: men reach their sexual peak around age 18 - 20, while women reach theirs closer to age 35 - 40.  Therefore, she clarifies, women are reaching their height of sexuality around the same time we men are discovering we have a favorite chair.

In my typical style, I am reaching this particular furniture-based male life event a couple years late, but as of yesterday morning there sits in my living room a brand new La-Z-Boy recliner (the Forte Reclina-Way model, to be specific), and in the short 24 hours it has been in the house, it has most assuredly claimed the title of My Favorite Chair.

Plush, sturdy, and sizeable, it is more comfortable than I can describe to you in words.  It has already made all of the other furniture in the living room noticeably jealous, as it is not only a thing of beauty but also a thing of functionality.  It is the perfect TV viewing chair; it is quiet reading area; it has proven its worth already as a prime napping spot.  Why, set me up with a mini-fridge within arm's reach and there would be virtually no reason at all to ever get up!

Since we do live in an era filled with overly-litigious morons who require the most common-sense concepts to be spelled out for them lest they sue for damages caused by their own stupidity, a page of warnings came with my wonderful new chair.  Just how dangerous can a recliner possibly be?  You'd be surprised:
  • WARNING! To avoid tip-over, do not throw your weight against the back of the unit. (That's right, there will be no moshing in this chair.  I just pray for my own safety that I'm not overcome by full-body spams or violent seizures while reclining in luxury.  Actually, that last sentence is true even without the phrase "while reclining in luxury...")
  • WARNING! Keep hands, fingers and body parts away from the mechanism. (First of all, don't know about you, but I always consider my hands and fingers body parts themselves, not separate entities.  Goes to show what I know! Also, how in the blue hell are people getting body parts, specific or generic, caught in the mechanism - which is beneath the chair - while seated in the chair?  Who is that unfamiliar with how a recliner works?)
  • WARNING! Only the occupant should operate the unit. (Damn, there goes my idea of hiring a harem of beautiful, scantily clad women to recline and unrecline the chair for me.  Sorry to announce, applications will no longer be accepted for that position...)
  • WARNING! To safely exit the unit, bring the back upright and close the legrest. ("Safely exit?" Wait, did I purchase a recliner or a roller coaster? Do I need to install a sign that says "you must be this tall too sit here?")
  • (My favorite:)  DANGER! To prevent suffocation keep plastic bags away from children. (Well, yes, this is good advice, but this is a chair, not a bag of groceries.  It was delivered not only with no bags whatsoever, but with no plastic wrapping of any sort.  This warning seems to have been added to the list just as a general reminder.  Unless there are folks out there who get themselves comfortably reclined and holler out, "Hey Maude, I'm awfully relaxed here! Hows about going and getting me a plastic bag or two and I'll really do this up right!")
Regardless, the new recliner is mine, mine, all mine, and is hereby named as My Favorite Chair.  I will defend my chair with same vigor that Archie Bunker defended his.  I will luxuriate in its comfort, I will happily snooze in full reclination (it's a word, OK?), I will proudly take this first step into old-man-hood: the rest of you are on your own to find your own comfort!

Oh, and risks be damned, I still like the harem idea.

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