Getting Kicked While I'm Down

In my last post I mentioned the fact that I'm collecting quite a stash of rejection letters.  They mostly show up in email these days, which is fine.  Money's tight everywhere, so if a business doesn't shell out to mail an actual physical form letter, I understand.  (One rejection I recently did receive in the mail was so blatantly a form letter that the person who's name was at the bottom couldn't be bothered to actually sign it.)

You can imagine how psyched I was this afternoon, then, when one email showed up saying I was an ideal candidate for the position offered!  A bit of a rush overtook me as a re-read the email, and was quickly replaced by a sinking feeling that something was amiss here.  Backstory time:

As noted, I am applying anywhere and everywhere I can.  More than one person has told me to keep an eye on the want ads on Craigslist.  In fact, one or two people I know have found jobs through Craigslist, and even if I would only find temporary work or a part-time position, it would certainly help.  I'm not picky these days.  On Craigslist, I found the following listing:

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Now, I'm always a bit wary of blind ads like this - they so often turn out to be Multi-Level Marketing schemes or door-to-door vacuum sales or some other highly suspect situation that involves a layout of cash rather than a income-producing career opportunity.  But this one didn't sound like those types of ads.  You can usually spot them by their wordings: "Make thousands in your spare time!" "Work from home!" "Build your own business! Be your own boss!"  As you can see, this ad was much more understated, so I took a chance and replied, submitting my resume and asking for more information about the position.

Here's the email I received today from these folks.  See if you can spot the things that sent the red flags up in my eyes right away:

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As I say, after the initial rush of hopefulness that this might be an opportunity, my naturally skeptical inner voice spoke up rather quickly.  "Um, Bryan, why would a business be sending you email from a HotMail account?  Why would a hiring manager need a resume that was viewable online?  And even if she did, I emailed my resume to these folks - is that not viewable online? And what in the blue hell are those lines of symbols at the beginning and end of the email?!?"

So, I Googled 1st Premier Staffing, and all quickly became clear:  seems 1st Premier Staffing has a bit of a reputation.  It also seems that they have a whole team of "Hiring Staffing Assistants," as this thread from Indeed.com details other folks receiving the same email, word for word, from Libby, Dulce, Shannon, and Mark, among others.

But the pièce de résistance was the site they have set up if you follow the link in their email.  It takes to a site that appears to be the website for a company called JVW Property Management.  I love how it claims to be a "secure page," yet the address does not begin with https, nor are there any other indicators of security.  But someone at least spent a little bit of time trying to make this look like a real site.  The navigation links on the side do work, and appear to take you where they say they will.  The "News" link, for example, certainly takes you to a page with news stories on it.  Funny that none of them mention JVW Property Management, but those are definitely new stories! Spend a moment looking around the site, and you'll discover more than few laughs. What you won't discover, though, are the names of anyone who works there, a physical address, a geographic location, a phone number...even the "Contact Us" page only contains an anonymous form with no email address.  Makes sense, though, when you discover that Googling "JVW Property Management" returns no results - not even their own supposed website!

I can at least laugh about it (and no, I did not go deep enough to see what info they might have asked for, although reading some of the scam complaints indicate that they are probably phishing for Social Security Numbers), but to be honest, it's mostly infuriating.  Scammers will take advantage of people wherever and whenever they can, but in this economy where so many are busting their humps to try to find work, it seems doubly cruel to put that carrot on a stick out there only to have it lead to such a sham.  At least, from the side of the fence I'm presently sitting on, it feels like being kicked when you're already down.

To those of you in similar job-hunting circumstances as I, a reminder:  don't limit your job-search options, but be aware to whom you are giving your information.  If you get that feeling in your gut that something is a little off, remember Google is your friend.

Meanwhile, I keep searching...

Demons Again

My demons have the upper hand right now.  They are mocking me, belittling me, making me feel empty and worthless.  They have seized upon a moment and their grip is strong, much stronger than I expected, and I don't know how to get away.

I haven't talked about it on this blog - partially out of pride, moreso because I didn't feel this was the place to talk about it - but I am among the far too many people in this country who are currently searching desperately for employment.  To be truthful, I have been under-employed since 2008, when the company for which I had worked since 1997 took its first hit in our collapsing economy and laid off 90% of its employees.  Those of us who stayed on took a pretty deep salary cut, but worked hard to try to save the company.  To our credit, we kept it afloat, barely, for another three years before the doors finally closed last April.  I have been essentially unemployed for a little over a year now, scraping by on the meager crumbs of whatever freelance work I can find.

I am at a crossroads now.  There are no more unemployment benefits available to me to supplement my partial income.  In fact, I'm being asked to repay some of the benefits I did receive, because in the eyes of the PA Unemployment Commission, the fact that I have been doing freelance work makes me "self-employed," and self-employed people cannot collect unemployment benefits. I would have been better off being a lazy bum who sat on a couch and just collected checks from the government.  But I never wanted to be that person.  I took work where I could, but because I was not on payroll as an employee any of the places I did work for, and because I am an honest person who reported the small income I made so that my benefits could be properly offset, I am actually now in debt to PAUC and no longer qualify for future benefits.  Our government in action, folks.  (Or should that be "our government inaction"?)

I have burned through nearly all of my savings.  I am proud of myself that I have maintained excellent credit throughout these past few years, and as I write this I am not behind on any bill.  But August 1st looms large on the horizon and at the moment I have no idea how I will pay next month's bills.  (Of course, since I am unemployed, I no longer carry employer-provided health insurance.  I'm on COBRA, which actually adds an additional $300 a month to my bills.  Losing a job doesn't just mean you lose an income; it can actually cost you more money!)

I have pounded the pavement, knocked on doors, utilized my network of friends and colleagues, and sent out so many cover letters and resumes that I ought to qualify for bulk mail rates at the Post Office.  And all I have to show for it is a fistful of rejection letters, most of which were sent in lieu of even a perfunctory interview.

The truly scary thing is that I am far from alone in this experience.  Friends I know who are in the same or similar situations are running up against the same dead ends.  Local news reported today that two local companies are shutting down putting another 300 people out on the streets to compete for jobs.  It is easy to feel defeated in this situation, and I do.

And that is when my demons pounce.  They waited patiently this time, as they always do.  I can tell you exactly when they made their move:  Sunday night was a sleepless night for me.  As I lay in bed trying to shut off the swimming thoughts and get some sleep, I felt it in the pit of my stomach.  I felt it behind my eyes, which had begun burning.  I felt trapped in my own head, fighting to get out.  And I heard the demons whispering in my ear:  "You're going to lose the house.  You're going to lose your insurance.  You're credit will be ruined.  You have nothing, you're worth nothing, you're a failure. No one will hire you!  Look, they won't even interview you.  They read your resume and laugh." And their infamous refrain that I have mentioned on this blog many times before: "You're not good enough!"

It's panic.  And it has been gurgling in my gut and pounding in my brain since Sunday night.  My usual coping mechanisms are not working well this time; the rational side of my brain that recognizes what is happening and normally works to quell the demons' uprising is not doing the trick this time around, and I am spiraling down.

I have good friends and a wonderful family who are supportive, and they all want to say or do the "right" thing that will help me turn the demons away, but I'm in a place now where, despite their good intentions and despite my great gratitude for their support and caring, I need them to stop trying to help - it only aggravates things, if that makes any sense.  Motivational quotes and positive affirmations and lists of what's good in my life and all those other things are, I know, meant to help, but they don't.  Not right now.  Right now this one is my internal struggle, and the best thing those who want to be supportive and helpful can do is let me go through this cycle, and be there when I get to the point where I'm ready to reach out again.

I know this cycle.  I've lived with it all my life, and even if it is presently not strong enough to do anything about it, there still exists that rational side of me that recognizes this for what it is.  I know my thoughts are cycling irrationally - that's what the OCD Demon does.  I know the physical reactions in my head and stomach are the result of the Anxiety Demon flooding my system with adrenalin in an effort to keep in full panic-attack mode.  And, I have not given up the job search - nor will I.  I have a few leads that I am following up on this week, and more places to apply to.  I will get to the other side of this.

Will it get worse before it gets better? Maybe. I hope not, but I recognize that it could.  As usual, writing this has actually helped a bit.  I beg your indulgence if I write more - it's been awhile since I've had to discuss my demons.  With luck, before long, my demons will be the ones on the unemployment line!